Pat’s Rants

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Free for All: Of Wizards and Copyright

May 21, 2010 / uhwhat posted in Pat's Rants / No Comments

Don’t know if you noticed, but three paragraphs in to Joanna’s post was L. Frank Baum’s intro to the first addition of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz in it’s entirety. The reason we could do that was two-fold. First, it was only three paragraphs, but secondly, and most important, is because of something called Public Domain.

Public domain isn’t something that most people think about in their daily lives. Hell, I’m willing to bet that that most of you don’t think about it at all, yet, without it, we’d probably still be living in caves.

The idea behind public domain is a simple one: no one owns it, therefore everyone owns it. In practice though, it’s far from simple. In fact, it’s fucking complicated. Hell, lawyers specialize in it, and those bastards only specialize in esoteric complex monstrosities like eating souls, summoning demons, and tax law.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

»Read More

Obey/Consume: Trailer Power

May 5, 2010 / uhwhat posted in Film, Pat's Rants / No Comments

Wow. I’ve managed to find 3 different trailers today that actually make me want to watch the movie in said trailers. Maybe consumerism is finally getting to me…

Unfortunately this isn’t a real movie, but when Hollywood does get around to fucking up Rendezvous with Rama, we can only hope that they look this dude up.

Got to love efficient German zombie killing.

And this can’t come at a better time. I’m with Rodriguez and crew here: Hey, Arizona. Fuck you.

On History, Luck, and Opportunity

March 1, 2010 / uhwhat posted in Pat's Rants / 1 Comment

This week in 1836, 200 some odd people made up mostly of farmers, ranchers, smiths, and other ordinary people, stood and looked into the face of death and, with a defiant shout, fought for something bigger than themselves.

These 200 stood their ground for 3 days against the full might of an army who’s goal to crush a rebellion with such a show of force that no one would dare rise against them again. For 3 days they managed to keep a militaristic dictator occupied enough to keep his full force at hand, giving the rest of the rebellion a few more days to prepare. Those 200 changed the course of history.

Why?

Because they chose to.

History is nothing but people taking chances, opening doors, seizing opportunities. What made them history worthy was, in most cases, because they chose to keep themselves open to possibilities.

There was a link I tweeted recently that went to an article discussing a certain study wherein “lucky” and “unlucky” people were given a series of tests to determine what, if anything, made people lucky. When it came down to it, the lucky people were simply more open to opportunity, meaning you make your own luck.

Basically it works like this: unlucky people tended to keep their head down and perform the task at hand, while lucky people kept their eyes open for those opportunities.

In life, opportunity takes many forms. baD kARmA INk is an opportunity for us to get our names out there and to start building an audience. Problem is, it’s only an opportunity if we take advantage of it. The reason I am in the position I’m in at work is because I was open to the opportunities that presented themselves. When extra projects came up, I took them. When problems popped up, I worked on solving them. Effectively, I made the job my own and was rewarded with new work, new positions, and more money.

Problem is, luck requires work. When opportunity pops up, if you don’t take advantage of it, it just becomes another “what if” memory. When history comes knocking, are you going to answer the door?

Better than Twilight, Part 6: Double Feature!!!

February 11, 2010 / uhwhat posted in Pat's Rants / No Comments

: Image via Wikipedia

My girlfriend, the incomparable and sadistic Joanna, pointed out to me the other day how much of a hypocrite I am by refusing to watch the Twilight movie. Therefore Saturday I watched it and have come to this conclusion: Just about anything is better than Twilight. I mean I’ve seen Uwe Boll movies that were better.

That being said, today we’re doing a double feature of vastly underrated B-Grade vampire movies from 1987. First up? Near Dark.

Near Dark tells the story of Caleb (Heroes‘s Adrian Pasdar), a farm boy that falls for a lovely young woman who happens to be part of a group of nomadic vampires lead by Jesse (played to the hilt by Lance Henrikson). Caleb soon finds himself in over his head this these brutal gypsy/biker/vampires.

The story is pretty straight forward: Forced into this vampiric family, Caleb has to deal with the wanton destruction and death that Jesse and crew leave in their wake. Eventually, with the help of his father, Caleb is cured and goes after the family to save the woman he loves.

Near Dark is truly an underrated movie. Excellent practical and make-up effects (Bill Paxton with his face torn up was so realistic that he played a prank at bar during the filming) totally cancels out the lack of budget. Unfortunately, when it came out, it was overshadowed by another vampire movie that hit theaters that year: Lost Boys.

Now, I’m sure everyone reading this has seen this movie, so I’m just going to cover the important bits. The plot of Lost Boys mirrors that of Near Dark, at least superficially. It’s a classic “boy meets girl, girl is part of a family of vampires, hilarity ensues” story, but one thing sets this one apart from so many other shitty movies: it knows it’s B-Grade. Bad jokes by The Corey’s totally lighten the mood are are supplied regularly any time it needs to be lightened. I mean, come on, who can’t love the “Bloodsucking Brady Bunch” joke?

So,why are these better than Twilight? More realistic vampire families. Unlike the Mormon analog of the Cullen’s in Twilight, both of these movies show the monstrous relationship that would occur within a group of vampires. Don’t forget, these are animals, and both vamp-fams in these movies act more like a pack of wolves rather than the propagandist perfection of Twilight.

Next time: Here there be Werewolves!

Like Being Shot Off A Horse

January 12, 2010 / uhwhat posted in Pat's Rants / 5 Comments

«BEGIN INTROSPECTIVE RANT»

So, I’ve been dealing with some health crap. That’s nothing new, but something sneaked up on me and kicked my ass.

For a while now I’ve been had nausea, but we originally thought it was a side effect of my meds. It would come and go over time, so it’s been kinda hard to pin down. Unfortunately it’s been getting worse.

Last week things came to a head when I had my meds changed, an upper GI complete with strawberry flavored barium, and, for one reason or another, crippling fucking nausea.

Ever had crippling fucking nausea? There is a reason it’s called crippling fucking nausea. Why? CAUSE IT’S FUCKING CRIPPLING!!!

I’ve been working through my other health problems and had some ups and downs in the past year, but things were going plenty well. I mean, I was writing all the time, working, having fun, hanging with friends, etc, but no, crippling fucking nausea kicks the feet out from underneath you and suddenly you are living on toast and Diet Sprite.

I mean, when you spend 3 days on the couch in the fetal position, you aren’t particularly productive.

The thing is, when you fall off the horse, you got to get right back on. When life makes you stop doing what you want to do, it’s really easy to not get back to it and then the next thing you know days become weeks that become months and you are just one more dreamer.

I’m not that guy anymore. So I had to get back on the horse, big fucking deal, I’m still heading in the right direction. Point is, even if it’s not so much a fall as it is getting shot off the horse, if you are gonna get where you’re going, you got to get right back on.

When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade. When life hands me castor beans, I make ricin.

«END RANT»

Better Than Twilight, Part 4: Interview With The Vampire

January 5, 2010 / uhwhat posted in Pat's Rants, Writing / No Comments

Image via Wikipedia

With millions of tweens, teens, and otherwise emotionally stunted women drooling over a glittery vampire with too much gel in their hair, it makes me wonder: What about your mother’s vampire fantasies?

Twilight was long from the first vampire book that got women all hot and bothered. Camilla, Dracula, etc, were all very sexual books for the time, but the sex was all in the imagination. Problem is, most of the vampire movies/stories of the 50′s, 60′s, and 70′s, well, let’s say what sex there was was far from the female fantasy.

Now don’t get me wrong, during that timeframe, there was some good stuff, but there is one particular standout that really appealed to the women to the point that it needed Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Antonio Banderas to be in the movie.

»Read More

Better Than Twilight, Part 3: I Am Legend

December 15, 2009 / uhwhat posted in Fiction, Pat's Rants / 2 Comments

: Image via Wikipedia

There are very few things scarier than the neighbors. Unless you are really, truely friends or family with them, chances are your experience with your neighbors is limited to their “Social Faces”. You know what I mean; the forced smile, artificial cheeriness, the bare minimum of friendliness meant to both reassure you than they mean no harm, but really would rather that you kept to yourself and didn’t bother them.

Ever.

The scariness comes from not really knowing them. Cookie cutter houses in middle class neighborhoods and the solitude of apartments lead to quite a few possibilities. Outwardly, everything seems acceptable and normal, but behind the anonymity of conformity, when the curtains are drawn, what really goes on? Do your neighbors have unsavory habits? Have they converted their garage into a drug operation? Do they have a secret sex dungeon in the basement? Are they sadists? Murderers? Cultists?

When it comes down to it, you really don’t know if your neighbors are normal or are monsters.

That is the premise of Richard Matheson’s I am Legend: What if the neighbors really were monsters? »Read More

Rant: Looks Like Tuesday is Horror-ble at bkI

December 8, 2009 / uhwhat posted in Pat's Rants / No Comments

: Image via Wikipedia

«BEGIN RANT»

I realized the other day that a big chunk of my contribution to bkI content has been “horror”: I have 2 articles about vampires and our tag cloud contains HP Lovecraft, horror, vampires, Robert E. Howard, and Pseudopod. The first thing that crossed my mind after that was “I bet these people think I’m one of those weird horror guys,” which was quickly followed by “Do I care?”

For the record, I both am, and am not, one of those guys.

See, when people ask me what I write, I say I’m a non-genre specific genre writer. In English, that means I jump genres for fun. I try to write stories I want to read, and I want to read Horror.

…and Sci-Fi.

….and Urban Fantasy, and Crime Stories, and Noir Mysteries, and-

Well, you get the idea.

I’m just on a horror kick is all, writing-wise, mostly because of my Twilight rants. However, I watched the director’s cut of Payback the other night followed by Monsters vs. Aliens, and I’m worried I’m getting behind on my Deadpool comics.

I don’t understand people that limit themselves to a genre. There is too much stuff out there, good stuff, and your genre prejudices are going to get in the way of that. One of the best Sci-Fi stories I ever read was written by a Horror writer. My Favorite fantasy stories were written by Sci-Fi writers. One of the best Comic Book movies was directed by a guy that broke out thanks to Horror, and the next movie I want to see is a theater is Steampunk directed by a Crime guy.

Life is too short not to leave your comfort zone. You wouldn’t want to die without ever leaving your home town, not even for a vacation, would you? I sure as shit don’t, so I moved 1200 miles away from home. Yeah, it’s a little drastic, but even just a trip to the zoo in the city is a good enough change of pace for most folks.

Variety is the spice of life folks. I dare you to try something different today, be it a different hat, trying sushi, or just having one non-diet Dr. Pepper just to remind yourself what you are missing. At the very least, it’ll just make you appreciate life just a little more.

«END RANT»

Better Than Twilight, Part 2: Nosferatu

December 8, 2009 / uhwhat posted in Film, Pat's Rants / No Comments

: Image via Wikipedia

This past Saturday I went to a birthday bar bash kinda thing. Amidst the inebriation I noticed that the women were talking about Edward and Jacob, so naturally I whipped out the crackberry and started working on this (I love technology). That, and it reminded me that I have a duty to show the world stories that are Better Than Twilight.

This impetus also got me thinking: Disregarding the fact that the conversation was bordering on pedophilia, vampires are not supposed to be handsome, sweet, loving, etc. Vampires are supposed to be creepy, unnatural things who’s attraction is through their supernatural powers. The only sexuality involved is more of the dominant/submissive/sadomasochist variety, not anime inspired hair filled with more product than your average Supercuts.

Under the surface vampires are ugly creatures and the first vampire movie of note takes that much further. »Read More

Better Than Twilight – Part 1

December 2, 2009 / uhwhat posted in News, Pat's Rants / No Comments

: Image via Wikipedia

I’m tired, really fucking tired of hearing about Twilight. I mean, I know it’s kind of a Young Adult thing, so I can forgive the shitty writing, etc, but there are somethings that I cannot forgive. Now, I’m not going to give into my instincts and just say “you’re a fucking idiot for being an adult and reading religious propaganda drivel meant for fucking children”.

No, I’m going to take the high road.

As an adult, you really should realize why Twilight is a shitty little story for teenage girls, but, as I’ve learned over the years, folks need to be shown the alternatives. As such, I’m going to tell you about vampire tales that are better than Twilight, and I’m going to give you some background on the vampire, both the old legends and the modern myth, and why, even though these stories are better than Twilight, they are responsible for the environment that allows bullshit like it to be published. »Read More

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