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A Low Key Gathering: or, How Not Fitting In Made Me Fit Right In

The Low Key Gathering at House on the Rock was a fabulous time.

I arrived Friday afternoon, ready for fun. It had been a long week of mid-terms at college, and everyone but myself had been sick at my house for the previous two weeks. I felt empty, and used up. I was ready for a weekend…any weekend.

Other American Gods were gathering already, taking in the new visitor center. The new gods held little power over the whole complex, and people, myself included, gazed in consternation at their cell phones, wondering why they couldn’t seem to get a message to anyone, anywhere.

Through the magic ritual of waving my phone around like a spastic Harry Potter impersonator while murmuring pleas to the higher powers of 3G, I was eventually able to check into Foursquare. Thus knowing I was in the vicinity my compatriots located me, and we made small talk while waiting for all to begin.

As we talked, darkness began to fall. When the shadows had just begun to lengthen, I checked to ensure the tent doors (for a tent was where Neil would be speaking) had not yet been opened. We continued talking, and walked out perhaps 45 minutes later to find that more than one hundred people had arrived and formed a line to enter the tent, all under the cover of darkness. Or they simply teleported in from wherever they were. There’s no knowing, but they were suddenly there, and all ahead of us.

Once the doors were opened and we all filed in, it made no difference. The seats were excellent, and the great mass of us made small talk while we sat. As is my habit, I jumped into any conversation I happened to overhear a snippet of which interested me. In this manner I happened to meet Chuck Lawton of Wired’s Geekdad, which was a pleasure. Not only did Chuck deal with my eavesdropping and conversational intrusions with aplomb, he agreed that my decision to have my Kindle signed was “cool.” As I had been agonizing over the decision (what if he won’t sign it? what if the sharpie wears right off? what if it breaks next week?) it was nice to hear from someone else that it was a neat idea to have Neil sign all my books in one grand stroke.

Neil did not keep us waiting long, and his arrival was greeted with great cheers and applause.

Then, Neil read to us.

I’ve always loved listening to Neil read his pieces, and have all the albums wherein he does so. This, though, was my first time hearing him read something live. There, next to the House on the Rock, which I knew as an old friend before American Gods was published, Neil wove a spell. The tent we were in wooshed in and out, as if it were drawing in great breaths and holding them, the better to hear him speak. His words, telling again the story of Shadow and Mr. Wednesday making their way from Illinois to the great carousel, rolled and skittered amongst us until they filled the place. Finally, as Shadow stepped on the carousel and his world changed shape, the tent let out its breath, and the world spun wildly around me. I looked about, and realized that as Shadow was seeing the American Gods, so was I, all around me.

The fans of Neil Gaiman are a curious bunch. They cross the boundaries of fandom, coming from all walks. The single thing I think they have in common is a yearning for the other place…the place past this world that we seem to touch on every once in a while. As I sat in that tent, with Neil looking out at us, we all touched it together, just for a moment. We were the gathering of American Gods.

Neil smiled, and we all breathed again, and the applause was thunderous. He had stated that he couldn’t imagine reading anything else, at that place and that time. His decision was certainly right.

Neil then answered some of the questions that had been emailed in. His thoughts on Joseph Campbell were enlightening, and his quote of the night (“Twitter is to blogging like crack cocaine is to a nice glass of red wine.”) regarding his accessibility to fans was phenomenal. Also, he informed us that there’s a super-tentative-maybe-probably-not-but-it-could-happen chance that American Gods will be a television series.

Neil then read us a few more things, including a poem entitled “My Last Landlady” which captured the Hallowe’en vibe quite well. He finished with a reading of a short story about Saint Oran and Saint Columba and the island of Iona, a tale I knew before, but which was beautifully executed.

We filed out of the tent shortly after, many of us headed for another line, as we had tickets to have Neil sign things for us. I was certainly tired, as it was ten o’clock, and I’d been up since five, but I felt refreshed by the nights events. After a quick stop at the loo, I got in the (now enormous) line, and prepared to meet the man. My compatriots were quite a ways ahead of me, as they apparently have bladders of steel, or the ability to weasel through lines like greased ferrets. Mayhaps both.

I must stop here, and inform you that this was not the first time I’d met Neil. I’d seen him once before, in passing, in Madison, when I recognized him on the street, a long time ago (’94? ’95? I’d have to check my journals to be sure.) I awkwardly greeted him by mispronouncing his last name. He seemed genuinely surprised, gave me a quick handshake, and went off to wherever he was headed. I had no idea that he was living in the Midwest then, and still imagined him as a London writer. I hadn’t seen much of America yet, and in some ways his visions of American places had colored mine, as well. In some ways, they still do, making places I only visit on occasion just a bit brighter than they might otherwise be.

After two hours in line, during which I got to know some delightful Illini in line ahead of me and torture them with my attempts at humor, I arrived at Neil. I greeted him with a “Hullo, Neil,” and he smiled and said “Hello” back. Although obviously tired, he was definitely not weary, and was kind enough to let me stumblingly inform him that “Your dreams sometimes let my dreams speak to me more clearly. Thank you for sharing your dreams with us, Neil,” while he signed my Kindle. He then smiled warmly, and looked into my eyes, and shook my hand. I always feel like a blazing idiot when I meet famous people, but Neil made me feel unselfconscious about it. Thank you, Mr. Gaiman.

The next day, I awoke to find myself feeling old. I know I AM old in some ways, but at age thirty-three should I feel hung over just for staying up till two AM? I prepared myself for the day with Angry Bull Testicle Juice and pastry, and headed off to the House on the Rock once more.

Arriving at 10:30, I figured I would make the second panel with Patrick Rothfuss quite easily. However, 15 minutes later, I found that I had neglected to actually read my welcome packet thoroughly, because those panels were taking place at the House on the Rock Resort. Being a Spring Green resident for the last four years, I knew this was down Highway C, near the American Players Theater. Being a Spring Green resident of humble means and a current college student, I didn’t know exactly where, as I can’t afford either. So, I set off to find it.

I arrived a few minutes late, to find that Patrick Rothfuss is a guy I would absolutely love to sit down and have a few drinks with and talk about damned near anything. The panel was a delight, and I sincerely hope that Neil’s WebGoblin can get them up somewhere for everyone who wasn’t there or able to see them streaming live. A few (loose) quotes from the panelists:

“When communications change, the story changes. When the story changes, mythology changes.”

“In ancient times, there was no one true story. With the rise of the internet, we can have open source Gods back.”

“We don’t love our Gods for how we feel about them. We love them for how they make us feel about ourselves.”

“You used to count bodies on your altar. Now you count pageviews.”

Good stuff! All the panels were fabulous during the day, but this one stood out for me. It was very dynamic. I wish I hadn’t missed the first few minutes.

After that panel I again met up with my compatriots, and we moved from panel to panel. We saw people speak on the nature of fear, and the mythological melting pot of the Midwest. I asked a few questions that may have possibly even made me sound like I wasn’t the quintessential idiot. We had lunch, and we talked about the ideas these panels had gently freed in our heads and left rolling around. We even saw a panel on teaching using the works of Gaiman! I know I would certainly take such a class.

The day wore on, and I felt more and more tired. My sense of alienation was rising. I felt like I didn’t belong at something this great. I didn’t have a costume planned, because I didn’t have the time or energy while focusing on school to get something together beforehand. Also, I secretly hate dressing up, because it draws attention to me. Put me in a room with more than 10 people and I mostly want to hide in a corner. However, one of my compatriots had pushed at me enough that I attempted to throw something together when I headed home for a quick dinner.

So it was that I found myself in a large green robe a few hours later, a small work hammer in my hand and a glowing blue mason jar tied to my waist with a rope belt. Twenty minutes of digging around the house had made me Goibhniu, Celtic craft god and lord of the forge. He always appears in drawings dressed in green, and is known to brew the draught of immortality from the rays of the moon. If it weren’t for the fact that I naturally look like an idiot, it might even have been an okay costume.

I arrived to find the costume contest beginning, with the line of participants stretching far into the night. Not wanting too many people to have to see me, I ducked in the side door to watch the proceedings.

Sadly, no stage was erected for the participants of the contest. With half the tent taken over by the slow moving line, and many of the contestants unable to sit down, the costume contest was a few hours of attempting to see what everyone was talking about. I did get to see all the contestants and their wondrous costumes, usually a few minutes after they were introduced, as they left the holding area and moved past me. I was a bit tired, and restless, and not really feeling very much like going to a party by the time the contest was ending. I also felt rather self conscious in my costume attempt.

So it was that I moved with everyone else to the Welcome Center, where drinks were had, and mingling transpired. My compatriots took off into the night, mischief on their minds. I grabbed an excellent manhattan, and headed into the House on the Rock.

The House is possibly the strangest place for a party to happen, ever. I’ve been there many times, but had never seen it like this. The mystery of the place is incredible after dark. Shadows move and sway as you walk throughout, and colors and lights take on an otherworldly clarity, as if they’ve become hyper-real. Laughing couples rushed past while others slow danced in the corner, swaying in time to the slightly off key strains of the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies while unmanned instruments moved behind them. I think that night may have been the closest I’ve ever come to how my grandmother used to describe Underhill. Still, in the midst of all this wonder, I felt apart.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so, if I hadn’t been alone. I don’t know. My wife was at home, and another dear friend couldn’t make it but desperately wanted to be there with me. I looked at everyone having a grand time, and knew that I didn’t belong there that night. I was trying too hard.

A beautiful young woman who obviously had imbibed too much already fell into me, and I held her up. We chatted for a few minutes, and she invited me back to her room. The desperation in her eyes seemed wild, and I felt as if she could somehow sense that I was the outsider, and wished to take me away from there. I politely turned her down, taking care to be gentle, and maneuvered her to a party of nearby revelers who were taking in the show of a street magician. I watched as the delight reentered her eyes, and knew she was back in the dream.

I wandered on.

I headed into the carousel room just in time to see Neil climb aboard. I was a ways off, as the crowd was large, but I watched him go around, the look of joy so naked on his face that I nearly cried. I waved as he took pictures of the crowd, and cheered as some of the other contest winners climbed aboard. For a moment, it was as if the joy of the whole thing was too much. Then the eyes of the mannequin angels above gazed down on me, and the weariness set in once more.

I left the carousel room, headed outside, thinking that perhaps just a bit of air would do me good. I wandered up the walkway to one of the unlit alcoves that show the tremendous view of the hillside leading down from the rock during the day, and found my jar of glowing immortality juice illuminating another couple who wished a “quiet moment.” I quickly looked away.

“Sorry. I took a wrong turn.”

“Oh. Were you looking for the exit?”

“No, no. I know where I’m headed.”

That was when I knew that the exit was where I needed to go. The party just wasn’t in me that night. I turned, and walked up the ramps to the parking lot. I looked back over my shoulder as I neared the car, and I smiled.

Although it wasn’t what I expected, it was a night I won’t forget. I might not have felt like I did, but I’d fit in as well as anyone. I will never forget the weekend where I was an American God.

It’s time, time, time that you love…

You can’t buy an oubliette on Ebay.
I checked. You can buy some related Magic the Gathering cards, books, and CDs, but an actual place of forgetting is tough to come by.
I know you hadn’t heard from me in quite some time. You probably forgot about me, hoping I’d crawled into a convenient nearby hole and died, clutching a whiskey bottle in the sullen dark. That’s not what happened. You see, I’m on the internet, baby.

The internet tends not to forget things. Posts stick around. Pictures you put up might be available for your Great Grandchildren to peruse. Maybe…we’re not entirely sure.
Much has been said of late about how things we put up in our social network need to be examined, as they’ll haunt us for forever. People will be able to search for every comment we’ve ever made, every picture we’ve ever shared, and every “Like” we’ve ever clicked, for forever. I’m wondering which forever that is…the one that Geocities was part of? Or maybe the forever that Friendster is languishing in?
I’m not saying people shouldn’t be circumspect about what they post in their social networks online. I’ve always treated everything I post on the internet to be things said very publicly, and I always assume that people will find these things.
However, I also assume that if employers run across things such as this column, they’ll understand that this isn’t something I would write in the workplace. The vulgarity I employ here isn’t how my memos would appear. If they don’t understand that, that’s their problem, and I would likely prefer not to work for them. They should understand the stratification of our public faces. They are also humans, after all. Wait, are they hiring directors? We’ll assume not…so they’re humans.
What amuses me about the idea that everything will be available for forever is the strange idea of time that we have. The internet, as we now know it, has been around for less than 20 years. In its infancy, people posted whatever they liked to IRC rooms, and Usenet newsgroups willy-nilly. They never thought about the fact that people could find what they said at some later date.

People could go look for those things, right now. There are search tools for those newsgroups and stored IRC conversations. No one does, for two basic reasons.

First, no one really thinks to. The amount of digging required to find that crap is a lot more than a quick Google search. Our online presences tend to be pretty layered, so the major things that show up are how we conduct ourselves the majority of the time in the virtual realm. The things that float to the top are all people look at, unless they want to NOT like you. In that case, you’re screwed whether it’s on the internet or not.
Second, they’ve mostly lost relevance. The internet is not a static place. It changes, rapidly, and we change our habits with it. The search we use now is not the search we’ll use in the future. The Facebook of now is not the social network of fifteen years from now. I’m not saying that Facebook and Google will disappear, but they will change. Search will become contextualized more as we progress, and our social networking tools will update to better reflect who we want to contact and what we want to share with them.

The internet will be a different place. The old ways will be forgotten; dusty buckets of bits in the storage closet of the internet. That kid who called in sick, and posted the pic of himself dressed as a fairy at a party will be in there. So will the woman who forgot she had friended her boss and got fired for her comments about him. All that crap will be in there, mouldering. No one will care.
We’ll have all new scandals taking place, on the new Faceplace or whatever it is, where Jerry accidentally clicked the wrong button and sent pics of him making out with Jessica at the office Festivus party to his wife instead of his drinking buddies.
Watch what you post, folks. But don’t worry too much about forever. We’re too short sighted as humans to look back that far that often. Forever only catches up with us once, at the end. At that point, pics of us on the internet will be the least of our problems.

It’s not so much the heat…

You have not heard from me in some time. It’s likely better that way. The summer heat is getting to me. The furious sun’s wrathful gaze is upon me as I slave away at homework, dreaming of cool clean waters and a better way of life.

The heat gets to us all. It slices low into your brain, a lava torrent of mad thoughts and hyper insanities, cutting quick to your tongue. Summer heat makes you unable to move, but makes your tongue twist, saying whatever comes to mind. Libelous languor, cannibal concessions, and kukri confessions in the subtropics of the subconscious. The heat makes you think of murder, and the screaming of a faraway girl.

Yes, it’s probably better this way. I’ll just stay in my corner, drinking daiquiris. Fueled like Hemingway…the fistfights will come.

The heat whispers to me now. I know why no brother sleeps in the house of Caine.

Stop by when it’s cooler. I’ll see what I can do for you.

I make a mean daiquiri

Review: Facebook’s Privacy Issues

Many have said that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

Facebook‘s privacy policy and use of your information is worse than lemons. It’s shit.

Good luck selling shit-ade on your local street corner this summer.

Everyone is aware that Facebook’s privacy policy isn’t that great. Most people have no idea just how bad it is, though.

Some of us have read the things. It’s a fucking cesspool, and they’re still dumping crap in there all the time.

The full current privacy policy is available here.

It’s 5830 words long. That’s longer than the United States constitution. While I was counting bullshit, I took the time before beginning this article to count the settings required to lock down your Facebook profile as best as it can be.

You have to change over 50 settings. FIFTY. And not all of them are even all that easy to find.

The New York Times made an infographic showing what you have to change to set things how you like to protect your information.

Look at all those settings. If each of those was a tentacle, and your personal information were a nubile young anime girl, that would be a scene from Urotsukidōji: Legend of the Overfiend.

To see what information you’re currently leaking all over the internet, click here. Hopefully it’s not too much, and you don’t care about what it is. Stopping this horrible leakage would normally take entirely too much effort to fix. Thankfully, a nice group took the time to take care of things for you. Click here for their help.

Some of you may not understand why this is such a big issue? After all, you just post some stuff on Facebook from time to time. It’s no big deal. If a few people see it, that’s fine…right?

Anyone can see it, more than likely. Forever. Your kids will be able to look up whatever you posted on Facebook yesterday 30 years from now. Your boss can see it. Your future wife. Your mom. The government.

ANYONE.

It’s only getting worse.

Here’s a neat flash animation showing how Facebook’s privacy issues have evolved over the years.

Facebook changes their privacy policy often, so they can use your information to make money off you. They sell it to advertisers. They’ll probably sell it to anyone.

Mark Zuckerberg, the inventor1 and CEO of Facebook, has said that he has no real regard for people’s privacy.

Below is an IM conversation reported by SAI between Mark Zuckerberg and a friend, from back when he first started Facebook:

“Zuck: Yeah so if you ever need info about anyone at Harvard

Zuck: Just ask.

Zuck: I have over 4,000 emails, pictures, addresses, SNS

[Redacted Friend's Name]: What? How’d you manage that one?

Zuck: People just submitted it.

Zuck: I don’t know why.

Zuck: They “trust me”

Zuck: Dumb fucks.

Trustworthy, right? I’d totally give that guy my credit card number. Or tell him who all my friends are.

Everyone got so upset when Google Buzz exposed their contact lists. Google fixed it within a few days of the issue being brought to their attention. Facebook does that with very little issue, even for people who have attempted to turn that “feature” off.

So, we’re using a service run by a conniving asshole who wants to sell every scrap of info you give him so that we can stay in easy contact with each other. There’s no serious alternative available, and we’ll all keep using it while the service continually updates its “privacy settings” to opt us in to whatever scam it likes.

I use it to stay in contact with my family, who I had a falling out with in the past. It keeps them at a comfortable distance, but we still know what’s going on in the lives of each other. Until the value of that outweighs the burden of dealing with Facebook’s privacy issues, you’ll find me there, being bent over Zuckerberg’s fucking barrel.

But I won’t be surprised when we all get Zuckerpunched.

  1. although some still dispute this, he did win the legal case brought against him by the two early partners he had who claim he stole the entire idea from them []

Quick Review: Anathem by Neal Stephenson

This book came out quite some time ago, I know. I just read it again, and I had to say this to someone. It’s just that damned good.

Neal Stephenson is an anthr0pologist of the future. I swear, his books study humanity not as it is, but as it will be. He does this by having an incredibly wide view and form grasp upon our past. He definitely showed this with his writings in The Baroque Cycle.

I loved those books. To many, they were fucking unreadable, though. Horrible chunks of thick slimy brain matter started sliding down the front of your face whenever you cracked those books open.

Anathem does not suffer from that. In the way that The Diamond Age or Cryptonomicon entertained, so does Anathem.

It is the story of Erasmas, a young scholar who lives in seclusion amongst a group of monk-like people who have secluded themselves to keep society from infecting their thinking.

Then stuff happens.

I don’t want to go into a lot of detail as to what occurs, as one of the greatest things Stepehenson does in this book is draw out the tension and provide the release of the “AH HA!” moment whenever things come together.

Stephenson also does a remarkable job of taking major concepts and making them understandable, as well as contextual to the story. Much as his explanations of basic cryptography were well done (and relevant) to Cryptonomicon, the same is true for theories of thought and physics throughout Anathem. This makes the book a true joy to read.

Stephenson also has a marvelous fun time with language in this book. Using Latin and Greek (and a few Germanic) word roots, he bends words to his will, making up a number of words that sound like they’ve been around for forever. You read one of the words he’s made up for this book, and based on context and word root, you know what it means. No glossary is needed. It’s fabulously done. I wish I had half his skill at that alone, much less the rest of his writing ability.

In my opinion, Anathem is one of the best sc-fi books I’ve read in the last decade. Not giving it a go would be a disservice. Pick it up.

The Amory Wars: An Epic Tale by Coheed and Cambria

I first stumbled into this story just after In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: III was released.

What a bunch of craziness. New prog-rock with an overarching story of sci-fi awesomeness, with a singer who looks like an angry mexican factory worker got attacked by a mophead and lost and sounds like Geddy Lee taught him all he knows.

Following the story was nearly impossible at that point. Some points in the lyrics definitely told you what was going on, but getting the overarching story was fucking impossible. Entire websites (which I pored over) were dedicated to dissecting the lyrics bit by bit and attempting to make a coherent whole of the thing.

Even better, comments and speculation show that the band may have changed the story based on ideas that the fans came up with as to what happened. If they liked the fans idea better than what they had in mind when they wrote it, they went with the fan idea instead.

Fucking brilliant. Crowdsourcing the plot of the story.

I went and purchased The Second Stage Turbine Blade shortly thereafter, and listened to all of it. A lot. I can sing all the songs along with both albums. Hell, I can pretty much do so with all their albums, now.

As the later albums appeared, I became even more impressed with their musicanship. Not only were they telling the story of Claudio, a young genetically made nanobot enhanced person (called an Irobot) and his fight against the corrupt government that killed his parents (as far as we could tell, anyway), but they were doing it with some damned finely crafted songs.

Then, the comic books came. The first set of comics started with Second Stage Turbine Blade, and showed even more of the story.

Strangely, later comics jumped ahead to Good Apollo I’m Burning Star IV: Volume I From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness. As a trade paperback. And how the fuck did they ever talk any record executive into allowing that to be the album title? Heavy psychedelics had to have been involved.

Then, the Second Stage comics died. We’re not entirely sure why.

Then, they restarted the comics as The Amory Wars. Starting with Second Stage Turbine Blade. Again.

The last album, Good Apollo I’m Burning Start IV: Volume II No World for Tomorrow, came out.

Then, the first album, Year of the Black Rainbow, was released.

It came with a big hardcover book that tells the tale of Coheed and Cambria, and their creator, and the start of the whole story.

It’s really rather good. Peter A David, one of the Babylon 5 writers, wrote it with the lead singer.

So, if you want a big-ass convoluted sci-fi tale of battles, love, and creepy enhanced people, this is the deal for you.

I just hope to hell that the rest of the story gets told in book form as well, or we’ll never make any damned sense of it all. However, it’ll still be fun to listen to.

Unboxing and Review: HTC Droid Incredible Smartphone Let’s Add Even More Words LongAssName

Last week, I received this:

It's a Box!

It's a Box!

As I was expecting it, I did not release the cyborg enhanced warhounds when the FedEx man pulled up outside the compound.

What could be in it?

Could the phone I was expecting be in such a nondescript box? It’s called the Incredible, is it not? Also, Droid is in the name. Should’t it be delivered by a team of robotic valkyries in a flaming chariot?

No Fanfare

Upon opening the box, I noticed a distinct lack of trumpets. No fanfare at all was to be heard, nor did a choir of angels begin to sing.

The box was, however, full of stuff. Which is good. If nothing but shitty packing material had been in there, that would have been a major fucking disappointment. If I receive a box, it best have something cool in it. Alternately, liquor is acceptable. At a bare minimum, if only packing material is discovered, a fuckton of bubble wrap had better be in evidence.

There was, in fact, some pretty good stuff in there. My phone. A car charger.

Gaze Upon It!

Also, a bunch of fucking paperwork. Like anyone reads this crap. The real info about any cellphone plan you sign up for is only available on the website anyway, and took a team of demented lawyer apes to write.

Look! The phone! It was…a phone. Why the fuck do people do these unboxing things, anyway? It’s like the kids who open their presents on Christmas and spend all day playing with the box the shit came in. If they’re three years old, that’s kinda cute. When you’re 42, not so much.

Hot shit! It came with a battery! Who expected that one!

Remove before use. I’d hate to be the Asian citizen paid 2 balls of rice and a nickel a day to put those stickers on. What kind of retards do you think he or she thinks we are? How do they think we make enough money to buy the phone if we’re that dumb?

It’s totally a phone.

So, after that meticulous “unboxing” I threw all that cardboard shit in a corner and took my precious upstairs, plugged it in to charge, and flipped through the manual to make sure there was no self destruct button.

Then I turned it on, despite it saying I needed to fully charge the battery first. Yeah, whatever.

This phone is beautiful. I’ve played with iPhones before, and this thing beats the tar out of them, then uses the tar to waterproof its roof.

Snappy response, gorgeous screen, awesome sound. Android 2.1 is wicked good, the apps are awesome, the speech to text function is phenomenally better than I imagined.

The camera is incredimazing. The pics above were taken with my old feature phone, an LG enV2. It was serviceable.

Pics taken by this thing can be seen here:   House On The Rock Trip

I haven’t played much with the video camera, but I’ve been impressed with the little I’ve done so far.

If I could plug this thing directly into my head with a less than 50/50 chance of lobotomizing myself, I’d have done so already.

Here’s my app list: Click Me!

The apps work fantastically. The only app I’ve looked for on the Android app store and not found so far is some form of Bookworm. It could be I simply haven’t looked hard enough.

Turn by turn GPS navigation is easily as good as any GPS I’ve used. Plus, Google Street View on arrival!

The only downside I’ve seen so far is battery life. This thing sucks down battery power like ecstasy users suck down fruit juice. Still, with the car charger, I’m golden.

It made it through all 5 hours of use at House on the Rock, with about 200 pictures taken. It had to be plugeed in as soon as I got home, but it made it. On an average use day, if I’m not streaming music to it, and checking a zillion things every other minute, it makes it 8 hours without issue.

So, basically, if you need an extra brain in your pocket, and would prefer that it be shiny and cool, get one of these.

Love Comes in Spurts

I know, I know. I haven’t been around lately, and you’ve been pining for me. Also, I should have left you more water before I stepped out. Good thing I came back when I did, or you’d be a desiccated corpse next to the hole you were trying to dig in the floor.

As you’re all aware, I haven’t had a lot of time to write lately. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that school, family, school, life, and school have been taking up my time. Also, I was taking a bazillion fucking tests, at school.

Now, however, I’m here. I’ll be posting at least three stories this weekend. To show you that I love you. Also, in an effort to rape your mind.

That would be a great T-shirt.

MiND RAPiST.

It could have a little heart dotting each “i”.

But I digress. I’m here for you. I promise you a post a day. One before I sleep my whiskey dreams this evening, one tomorrow, and one amidst the skullfucking drudgery of studying for yet more finals come Sunday.

Get your whiskey, and your towel. We’re off on an adventure.


Review: The Lost Symbol

Five bucks and a tube sock full of pistachio nuts to whomever bitch slaps Dan Brown on my behalf.

Bring the backhand around for a second pass, and I’ll promise to ensure the tube sock is clean.

Now, I’m not a Dan Brown hater, who knew I was going to dislike the book before I even read it. I don’t particularly like his books, but I don’t hate them, either. He has some good ideas, he just can’t seem to write them down in an evocative or interesting way.

This review contains some mild spoilers. That shouldn’t matter, because it’s a fucking Dan Brown potboiler. The whole point of reading it is you ALREADY KNEW WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. If you didn’t…well, I’m sorry, but I have to revoke your library card. Please cut it up until itty bitty pieces, place it in a just opened bottle of Rittenhouse 100 Bonded Rye whiskey, and mail it to me at PO Box 132, Madison, WI 53717.

In The Lost Symbol, Brown continues his tradition of leading you through the story using a carrot on a stick, a ring in your nose, and a riding crop on your ass. If it were any more obvious that he wanted you to read the book non-stop because you have to know what happens next, the book would be called Don’t Put Me Down.

Actually, that would have been a good name for this review. Not that Dan Brown will read it. Or ever know that I exist. Or even spit upon me from the lofty golden perch he has erected with the millions of dollars he has made.

Here, Mr. Brown pulls us through another Robert Langdon adventure, in which the college professor saves the world from the horror that would occur if we knew what the Freemasons did.

Except we know what the Freemasons do. We know they drink wine from skulls, and practice ritual death, and do all those crazy things. We read books about it ages ago. People do weirder things every day, and most of them don’t make the news, even if they do involve politicians.

Also, even if half the government got kicked to the curb, and special elections were held for everything imaginable, we’d just be a few extra billion in the hole, and a bunch of idiots just like the last ones would be in office. Only the rich can afford to run for public office, and precious few of them give a flying fuck about really doing anything good for the country.

So, the neat part of the book is the part about how we’re surrounded by symbols, many of them masonic. Which is true. Many of the founding fathers were Freemasons. Freemasons are pretty awesome, and have a great love for imparting wisdom incrementally, so learning is a journey. They like symbols, because they provide a feeling of enlightenment when you decode them.

So, Mr. Langdon follows a crazy dude through the nation’s capital, National Treasure style, and some people die. others get hurt. there’s some even crazier crap about Noetics that I don’t disagree with, but feels so tacked on in an effort to prove his points about apotheosis and the power of the human mind that they’re laughable.

Read the book if you want to see a pretty decent outline for a story that will probably make a great Hollywood big budget screenplay, and is a pretty damned middle of the road novel.

And don’t forget to smack Dan brown for me.

By the way…it was Mr. Brown. In the library. With the shotgun.

Collision Detection!

Backoff timer expiring in 6…5…4…3:

Fuck it.

As a great man once said, “Buy the ticket. Take the ride.”

You haven’t heard from me in a while. Judging by the vast quantities of comments and emails received, Pat and Tony may have noticed. Possibly.

You’re the audience. Were you listening? Are you even listening now? I may never know.

During that time, somewhere in the back of my brain, the entire idea for this column was mutating. It was meant to be a place where I’d try and talk a bit about social media, and perhaps inspire you to dig deeper. To get to the meat of what we’re saying to each other, so you could sit down and chew the fat.

Instead, I feel I was putting out rehashed puffballs of fluffy crap that maybe interested someone for a nanosecond and were quickly forgotten beneath the buzz provided by their grande mocha half-fat latte.

The anger I felt towards myself for this turned the whole thing into a rotting idea in the back of my mind. I sacrificed my hate to it for the last week and watched it evolve into a sphere of grey-green ichor, pulsing like the heartbeat of a meth addict in a marathon and screaming a chainsaw scream.

This morning, as my inner eye roved over this magnificent horror again, I found a mottled rat standing atop the thing as if it were a soapbox. His one good eye had a gearwork monocle screwed into it, and the other sported a jaunty patch. He clutched a bottle of Bushmills in one scabrous claw, and pointed the other at me in mute indignation, as if asking what I was gonna do about this thing.

Based on the scuff marks on my knuckles, the fire in my belly, and the half gone bottle I whiskey I spy on the desk before me, I beat the little fucker to death. Possibly with this keyboard. Then I assume I ate the mutated idea. Who knows how long I’ll be spewing this thing up.

Social media has me spinning in all directions. It’s the most gloriously useless thing we’ve ever had access to as a species.

It’s as if we had telepathy, and all we ever used it for was to tell people what we had for lunch.

Goddamn, we’re idiots. I include myself in that, by the by. Look at what I’m doing with social media right now. I should be organizing a takeover of this horrific government we’ve enslaved ourselves to, and instead I’m typing up this tripe. One nation, under polarization. Divided we fall; United we rust. It makes me pissed at myself all over again.

So, on a (mostly) weekly basis, I’ll now be screaming whatever the fuck I like in this space. It could be social media bullshit. It could be articles on why I think tech sucks. It could be a book review. It could be an unboxing of my Nexus One, if the thing ever comes out on Verizon. It could be a 4 minute Youtube video of me getting drunk and falling down. I promise to keep my pants on. Wearing them on my head counts.

Stop by, and get your dose of vitriol. Drink it up, you little shits. You’ll have to lap it up out of your hands, because daddy sold the cups and spoons for whiskey money.

If you don’t care for the tone this column has taken, write me a letter and let me know. Email works, but I can only guarantee it will be read if you wrap the missive around a liquor bottle and leave it on my front porch. Gin would be good. Gin makes a man mean.

…2…1. Backoff timer expired. You are free to transmit.